February 28th, 2014:
Sometimes change is a funny thing. It can be positive or negative or even slightly bittersweet. The majority of the time the future and what’s to come looks unbelievably foggy, but it’s amazing, hindsight is 20/20. People are funny. It’s crazy how someone’s view on another individual begins to become your own if you let it. Sometimes you forget how important it is to hear both sides of a story when you are so in love with the first one you heard. Sometimes you hope for no reason. Hope that someone will finally see you the way you want them to. And sometimes you’re glad you did, when you hope that someone who seems dead set against you will turn around. Hope that performance and efficiency will increase after a trial run. Hope that you start seeing results of hard work and good intentions.
You can’t be surprised when the one who has always been right is just that, still right. You learn to trust those people. You can’t be surprised when a free spirit makes a sudden, irrational seeming decision. You want to be mad, but you can’t. You want to know why, but you can’t. But though it’s sudden, it’s not shocking. And what you deem as foolishness, could make perfect sense, had you been there.
You can’t be surprised when your supporters are still supporting you, even if it’s in ways you never thought they would. Sometimes the distance reminds you of the significance of your supporters. And reminds your supporters of the significance of you. Sometimes when you think of them, they are thinking of you too. Maybe they realized that you sharing your life with them was something special. Maybe they want to let you steer for a while. Maybe your ideas were never bad, they just needed your supporter’s consideration. Maybe you were blinded by teenage angst. Maybe they were behind you the whole time.
There is a certain beautiful quality about time. Time will pass and puzzle pieces can seem to change their shape. Sometimes they are left just as they were, just sitting, waiting for someone to put them together again. Maybe that piece was the only missing part of your perfect whole. Or maybe there is still a gap or two, but it’s to the point where you can see the picture and you can’t help but be pleased. Maybe there will always be gaps. Maybe if the perfect scenario happened too quickly, it was too good to be true. Because if you rushed into things, there’s a good chance you messed up somewhere.
Sometimes you win and lose simultaneously. Does that mean you’re happy that you won? Or sad because you’ve found something’s missing. What if you’re fighting two battles at once? Do you engage in both, running around and wearing yourself out? Or do you drop one and chose the most important? Have you gotten that far yet, far enough to put things in order of importance? Sometimes you have to go with the one that has to be dealt with first. Because though time can work with us to heal and bring clarity, it can also be our worst enemy. A limited amount of time can mean a complete mess. A limited amount of time to come up with the correct answer or a limited amount of time to say things you can’t allow to go unsaid for a length of time you aren’t even sure of.
There’s always going to be bad in whatever you have. And you shouldn’t be denied the joy because it’s not perfect. Sometimes you get a big head. But other times you realize that the most important person in your life right now is you. You would be stupid to act differently. Sometimes the truth isn’t something you want to be a part of. But it’s always freeing and always worth it. You can’t apologize for painting an accurate picture, only if you do so with a disheveled and dirty heart. Do what you do to right the wrongs, with the best of intentions. And anything you get after would have happened anyway.
Being right once doesn’t mean that you’re right forever. You can get it all and become greedy over time. You were good and were told the same, but that doesn’t prevent you from going overboard. Sometimes, in stepping back, you did too much. Maybe you were right, but got lost in your own thoughts. Maybe you were always the bad guy. Sometimes bitterness gets the best of you. Sometimes holding something in does permanent damage that requires more fixing than you anticipated. Sometimes you can be damaged without a good enough reason as anyone else. Maybe you’re damaged because you have absolutely no excuse to not be completely perfect.
Sometimes being clueless is paralyzing. Other times, not knowing your right from your left makes things interesting. Maybe you end up figuring it out right when it seems like it’s too late. You find the perfect combination just before the next roll of the dice and the scattering of all that you have gathered. Sometimes it feels like it’s an adventure to be so left in the dark. You have to hope that some day you’ll have the puzzle pieces put together in the way that allows you to oversee the bulk of the imperfections. Maybe that means returning to your roots or starting new. Maybe a bit of both. There are no rules. Don’t discard the guidance of others because, as you scramble among the pieces, someone else is looking in. They have a bird’s eye view. But don’t put yourself at the mercy of others. Just listening could have gotten you in trouble in the first place. And one’s assistance is purely based on their own experiences.
There may not be an answer at all. What you see could have been tampered with more than you could imagine. Not everything you see is real. But maybe all of everything can be pushed aside because of one simple, maybe mindless thought. Maybe we’re minuscule. Maybe we’re just a speck of dust, on a speck of dust, on a speck of dust. Maybe we’re a snapshot in time, an instant, an episode, a moment. Maybe none of it matters in the slightest.